Distance and Balance

Last night my mom came in to say goodnight and to tell me that she missed me. She has felt that there is an emotional distance between us. In many ways she felt closer to me when I was at school than she does now. To be honest. She's right. I am emotionally distant with everyone here. I don't even have a desire to be with the "friends" who are native to this state of near-constant rain. I feel like I'm going through the motions with them. At least I have more of a desire to be with my family.

As I was sorting through these feelings I began to see just how independent I had become. I am used to operating on my own. I do operate in a new group of peers and profs at school, but for the most part I am independent even of them. I make all my own decisions. So that behavior is somewhat restricted because  I'm stuck in my house all the time. At least at school I had a large campus and even a small town to wander in.

I feel guilty that I'm not really here yet. I wish that I could magically make my feeling change. I wish that I could adjust to my new life as a young adult living at home for the summer quickly. To be honest, though, my family has been so busy with their lives that they've not had much time for me anyway. I've been content to hole myself up in my room and clean things out. (the amount of drawings I threw away yesterday is astronomical)

I guess this has made me ponder what my life will look like after I graduate. Suddenly the question of where to live and how much I want to be involved with my parents is a close and serious question.

Now, I was homeschooled my whole life. So I've been with my mom and sister 24/7 for the past 19 years. And my dad would get days off that we would spend together as a family. This made our family unit really solid, but it has also grown a strong desire for independence in me. Also, my family has not really been involved in my extended families. We try to visit some aunts and uncles on my dad's side once a year, and we see my mom's family once every couple of years (when we can afford it), but that's been the average for my family for the past 10 years. So, for the greater part of growing up, my family operated as a unit of four for every time of year, including all the holidays. And we liked it that way.

So, when I pictured my life after college, I saw myself coming home for holidays, but after I'm married, I see a different story. My first year of marriage I want to be isolated from my family and enjoy being married. I don't want to go to any family member's house for a holiday except for possibly a little time on Christmas day. Then, beyond that I see the balancing act of going to his/my parents' houses for certain holidays and I makes me unhappy. I love my family, and I'm sure I'll love his (I hope), but I have a strong drive to be independent and to mirror what I grew up with: a life mostly missing extended family. I want my children to grow up knowing and being a part of their grandparents' lives, but I don't know what that balance will look like.

At this point, I am a twenty-year-old seeking independence, when I'm graduated and possibly married I may be a twenty-five-year-old seeking to build a better relationship with the parents and in-laws in my life. I guess it will all depend on where God places me and what desires He puts in my heart at the time.

And this was a really long and semi-depressing ramble. If anyone makes it through, bless you, and my sincerest apologies.